#7 Saturdays

Days of the week generally don't mean much to me, as I'm on a disability pension (my brain has problems.) but I LOVE Saturdays, especially in autumn.   For the last couple weeks I've felt the onset of Fall.  The back to school smell has been in the air and I'm thrown into a sense of excitement, remains of the time in my life where Fall meant a new beginning.

Saturdays are especially nice.  I wake up early and while I get ready for the day I talk to my best friend on webcam and his wife and daughter, and then it's off for adventures.   Taking the dog for a walk, meeting up with other dogs, feeding the ducks, trying to spot the bunnies before they spot Charlie is the best way to start a day.   This morning my mp3 player decided that I needed to be exceedingly optimistic about life and ended my walk with FreshlyGround - Doo Bee Doo and Fleetwood Mac - Don't Stop.  This energetic positivity lead to me dance and skip the last 8 minutes of my walk, which is naturally in a dense downtown type area with LOTS of traffic to watch me be stupid but I don't care.    I'm going to end up on youtube against my will one of these days.  

My enthusiasm was apparently contagious as  after I got home, and got my dog taken care of, I changed into my every day clothes and headed to Saturday market.  As I'm strutting my way down the street, I was checked out by 3 different guys.   Apparently confidence actually is key to a social life.  Who knew?

Saturday Market is the best thing about downtown Cambridge.  I take my tour about, and first things first, I get a sausage on a bun.  Breakfast is important and this is the most important sausage ever, and most delicious.  The booth is owned by a Mennonite family and therefore is the most delicious food ever.  If you're ever in St Jacobs, go to the green caboose and get an Oktoberfest on a bun.  You will not be disappointed.  They are seriously huge.    So I set on a bench with my sausage and fresh apple cider and watch the buskers, singing, fiddling and juggling (not all at the same time!) and I plan my meals for the week.  Today I needed carrots (so fresh I could smell them), an onion, green onion, potatoes and zucchini.  I got all and they look amazing.   Turkey stew and zucchini casserole here I come! 


There hasn't been much on the official workout plan this week.   I've made my own mini bootcamp during my dog walks, every couple of minutes stopping for a set of push ups, jumping jacks, squats, mountain climbers, et cetera.  I get good and sweaty, and it's nice knowing that I can do a self directed workout, something I would never do before. 

Off to meet my parents for brunch!

#6 The Filthy Fifty

So, my PT workout buddy had to have emergency surgery this week (eep!) because her intestines have too much room to roam around in her abdomen, but she's home and doing well with everything sewn back into place, but it means no PT for a while.  Also, we're almost done our paid for sessions and so I'm thinking about switching to her Biggest Loser Group.  It's most cost effective than PT is, and I love the group workout dynamic.  It pushes me harder than PT does, and my competitiveness is kinda massive.

Bootcamp workout:

Warm up
16 McGill curl ups with pulse
3 plank holds at elbow
20 bird-dogs

The Filthy Fifty: 2 sets of
50 Jumping Jacks
50 squats
50 mountain climbers
50 push ups
50 crunches/hipraises
50 back extensions


Then we play workout tag.  Everyone is stationed about 12-15 paces apart and the person who is "it" is given something to do, I was given lunges. so about 12 lunges to the next person, who I made do squats, so she did traveling squats to the next person who had to do pencil jumps, et cetera, et cetera.   I was so cramped in my hamstrings after the filthy fifty that thankfully people were nice to me and gave me pretty easy things, lunges, tuck jumps and jumping jacks

End: stretching


It's very intense and I could barely move last night afterward.   Taking another dose of Glutamine today and picking up magnesium supplements tonight.

I'm getting mom back to the gym next week and we'll start walking in the evenings now that it's cooling down.  I'm hoping to get her back on track enough that beginning of school doesn't kill her.   When school starts again we'll be going 3 times a week to the gym.  I'll be switching up between elliptical cardio and my new nemesis: the rower.

Now to take the dog for a walk, and then sink myself into a lovely epsom salt bath.

#5 It rubs the lotion on it's skin!

Yeah, loose skin.  I'm starting to get it, like really get it.  Before I was kind of wrinkly and now I'm starting to get the whole shar pei look.  I'm okay with it right now, I'm rocking it.  Hell, as a resident of Ontario Canada, I'm even kind or celebrating the rashes (yes rashes) that come with them because it means it is far more likely that I will have my skin removal (hypocritical excitement over the possibility of getting rid of this extra skin I say I love) covered by government insurance.  Excess arm skin (aka the wind beneath my wings) surgery will run about 10 000 dollars otherwise.  I don't even know what legs will cost.  The tummy is the easiest to get covered here.  It's not easy, but it's easier.

Pro-tip:  If you are in the USA and dealing with a lot of loose skin, check out a teaching hospital with both a plastic surgery program and a burn unit.   Sometimes if you donate the skin to the burn unit the plastic surgery is at an incredibly reduced rate, and you're helping out your fellow man.  It's like recycling but way grosser.

Exercise can help with some of the loose skin problem.  It takes time but the skin can bounce back somewhat.  Increasing muscle will help fill the empty space.   Also, keeping your skin supple can only help the battle.

Remember you are not alone.  This is not a "common people" problem.  Celebrities have consultants who teach them how to mask the problem areas.   For example Ke$ha.  She was told during her first try for a recording contract that she didn't have the "pop look"  so she dropped like 70 lbs.   She has not, as of yet, gotten the skin removal surgery (that I know of, she called me last night to chat about it but we came down to YEAH RIGHT! None of this is true).   As much as I hate paparazzi pictures, Ke$ha, in a swimsuit:  You can see she has a slight apron (lower tummy extra skin) and she's not at all toned.   Granted she's been in the studio and not on any kind of tour so there is no pressure to be "pop star fresh" and at the gym every day for 4 hours.   Ke$ha made everyone think trailer trash was awesome, why not loose skin as well?  It's a lot easier to swallow than Goldschläger.

Now go get your cocoa butter!

#4 A new outline

I can see the new outline that's starting to form.   Where my calves will actually be, the development of actual ankle definition, my arms are starting to peak out from behind years of neglect and denial.   I'm excited to see where this is going.   My workout buddy who had gastric bypass got here months ago.  I know it's not fair to compare us, the situations are totally different.   But it's about damn time.

In this journey, unlike others I've started before there have been no thoughts of doing this to prove to other people, to rub it in the face of guys who passed me over because of my weight.  I'm competing with myself for the first time.   I'm winning the workout portion but FatJess, I have to admit, is winning the food war right now.  I need to get that under control.   It will be easier next week.  Staying at my parent's house for the last two weeks I'm starting to see where I've learned my habits from.   There is food in the house, but no ingredients. Boxed and bagged food is abundant.  It's convenient for them.  They both work full time jobs, so coming home to something that takes no thought or effort is a relief to them, however for someone trying to lose weight, frozen pizza, burgers, pancake mix and canned soup...  There's so much sodium and so little value.  And getting sick of them, I've fallen back into the old trap of ordering food just for something different.   It's strange looking in a spice cupboard and seeing 4 options, including salt and pepper.   My cabinet at home is stocked with spices from all over the world.   I go through a supply of cumin every 2 months, chili in 3 months.  Italian mix is gone in a month at most.   A house with Salt, Pepper, Red pepper mix and sage, I don't know how to cook in.

On the plus side, I have access to a pool.  Water running, swimming, even vacuuming works muscles that I rarely get to use outside of a gym.

Hopefully next week I'll get back into my gym cardio schedule.  I'm signing up for a Biggest Loser competition (hopefully) in fall and I'd LOVE to kick some ass in it, but I have to get my cardio up to par.   Now I have to pack for a weekend wedding up north... 8 hours of squats here I come!

#3 Fat Shaming

It's so common place.  I've been fat-shamed several times, some of it when working out.   That seems like the most pointless thing ever.   Hello!  I'm here, sweating my butt off, clearly working out and doing something about my weight problem and you choose this moment to point out I'm overweight?

At 300+lbs, I don't need you to tell me I'm fat.  I KNOW I'm fat.   I'd have to be pretty stupid to not see it.  Honestly this isn't the point where the damage was done.   High school, when I was 190lbs, that's when the damage happened.   All those hormones, self conscious as hell and I'm hearing catty girls in my classes comment about how fat I am, guys calling me Big Red (a name that drove me to 3 suicidal idealization episodes in high school).  I felt enormous.  I thought "What's the point in even trying anymore?  I'm the fattest person ever"    I stopped eating lunch, except for 2 Cokes to get me through my afternoon classes, I wasn't eating breakfast either, and then dinner was usually take out, or some sort of ready cooked pre-packaged meal.     Totally not healthy for a 16 year old.

All of this, plus several types of medication, and developing a lifestyle that was mostly sedentary have lead to now.  Call me fat.  It's accurate. I can take it.  I've developed the defense mechanisms.  I'm working on it, which is more than most people can say.  After 5 years of faking it til I make it, I sort of have some sense of self esteem.   Maybe this all would have been easier, unnecessary if there hadn't been so much fat shaming in my schooling years, but realistically it's just one part of the problem.   I'll probably figure out the rest of it, far too late, but better late than never.

#2

A new victory. Walking around today, I noticed that my thighs, nearer my knees, barely skim each other now.  This probably sounds strange, but I'm so used to the feeling that now that it's going I'm finally noticing it.   People have asked me what it's like, the loose skin, what does it feel like to me.  I had a hard time trying to word this so people would understand but I've figured it out.   Have you ever been skating?  That feeling when you take off your skates and put on your street boots/shoes.  It feels a little cold but in a nice way.  It feels like you're rattling around in your shoe a bit. I always loved that feeling when I was a kid.

No workout today.   My usual ride to bootcamp is out of town, and there is no PT until next week, so I've been given homework.  Crunches, squats, push ups, planks, double heel drops, stability ball hamstring curls, I'm sure I'm forgetting something but it's written down in my food journal.   On top of this I'll be swimming and doing water walking/running.   With  my squats I have to work on being slower.  I call them sloth squats, a 3 count from top to bottom, pause and then as I move back up use my glute (butt) muscles.  I'm not good at taking my time.  I never have been patient, so this is an exercise on many levels for me.

Time to get in the pool!

#1

I am a mythological creature.   You've heard about my kind in the news a lot lately.  I am a healthy fat person.  I am around 330 lbs, female and 30 years old.   I have no symptoms of diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis, or sleep apnea.   However, this can change, so I'm changing my life.

Six months ago I started a new plan.   Get over my fear of the sweaty fat girl stereotype and get my bum to a gym.  Now, I'm addicted.  I work out with a trainer, Cassandra from Tekniques Fitness, at least twice a week, and I'm starting to pick up bootcamp sessions as well.   Two years ago when my sister started going to bootcamps I thought to myself "Never, not ever, will I be able to keep up with a bootcamp"  And three sessions in, I'm not exactly keeping up (push ups are kicking my ass), but I'm holding my own, which is more than I expected.

 I had a Non-Scale Victory (NSV) today.  I realized while I was trying to watch my neighbour's dog run rampant around my living room that I could turn around and see the back of my knees, even a bit up my thighs.   This doesn't sound like much but I don't think I've ever see the back of my knee without the assistance of a mirror.   As a child I was so excited at the prospect of growing, getting taller, reaching the branches of trees that other kids would climb with ease, and now, as an adult my joy comes from fleeting glimpses of my smaller self.

I have no idea what my goals are.   They aren't set in stone.  I'd like to be smaller, taking myself from a size 26 (where I started) and maybe find myself in a 14/16 and see how I feel there.   The goal is not the size, but the feeling.  Here I'll be covering my workouts, my bootcamp adventures, and the changes that are going on in my brain.   There may be photos.  They may be sweaty gross gross.  But I'm going to put it all out there.  Brutal Honesty.